It strikes me odd that now when I have more support, financial help, and observation than ever is when I feel most disoriented and anxious.
I am not very afraid but I do have a small fear nudging at my shoulder, tugging at my ear to keep me on my toes. The fear of being raped, of having my things stolen, of being killed. Killed in a useless way, killed in a moment of distraction- hit by a truck, murdered in my sleep when I camp in the middle of nowhere. Before I've gotten to create, before I've had the chance to bring back the message, to connect the dots.
but I don't really believe what I am doing is very brave.
Courage is risking everything.
Courage is when you are put down and put down and put down and you still rise up.
Courage is a tranny in a Muslim country.
Courage is when you are told a thousand times no and you still say, "Yes. I need this."
A wonderful Dutch performer gave me a book, The Soul of Money, by Lynne Twist, a fundraiser working to end world hunger. In it she relays the passionate and desperate stories of women who have had to break away from the core values and traditions of their societies to do what they believe is right.
Women from Tamil Nadu in India who decided to begin the difficult process of stopping the murder of newborn girls even though their husbands would beat them, even though girls were considered valueless and burdensome with expensive dowries.
They began a movement.
They took a stand, even while entrenched in a pit of shame and grief.
I am so lucky to take a step from a place of joy, from a community saying YES all around me. I do not take for granted that the majority of women in the world do not hear a symphony of yeses. anything but.
..................................
I wish I could tell you that I have made wonders happen in Turkey but I cannot. I tried to get to Syria through Jordan but it was impossible. Even going through Iraq seemed like the safer option at this point.
The last time I biked through Syria it was a dream, a river of kindness and home-cooked meals, lush forests and orange groves. I cannot imagine this rampant bloodshed on that land.
It sickens me that a group of people swept up with the excitement of change should have their dreams and struggled obliterated so outright. with no dignity. as if that's the way it is.
So from Jordan, I had to fly to Istanbul which disappointed me greatly and It seemed i could could not overcome that defeat. I continue to be just a little offstep, a little behind on everything. I could not establish a volunteering opportunity with an organic farm until September so I wandered around Istanbul for a few days and then biked along the coast of the Sea of Marmara and dipped slightly into the Agean.
and I feel embarassed by my lack of successful research, by the troubles and misconnections that I have had. I wish to bring only masterpieces and revelations to you but have to accept when weakness comes. But it has also been my experience that sometimes masterpieces are buried deep within the crevices of missteps.
This time has thus been very contemplative. Turkey has given me a lot to ponder. Turkey, the bridge between Europe and the Middle East, headed now by a conservative government pushing for a stronger state of Islam and yet also pushing for western capitalism. Saturated already with American chain stores, western dress, alcohol, car culture, banks, the whole mess.
And they seem to welcome it all with open arms. I cannot blame them. Every nation has the right to progress but it saddens me to see what progress is defined by.
The pollution is fierce and bicycling through it is distressing my lungs but a fellow said it is so much better now than ten years ago when they relied on coal. Now they are turning to natural gas. Great. natural gas- the green champion imposter that poisons our water supply.
The delights of Turkey are the music. Dance seems to invade everywhere- the fishermen along Galata bridge who swing their lines like a ballet, the ice cream vendors who put on a whole show as they stab the ice cream with swords and play out the delivery of it like magicians.
I bicycled along the coast and through field after field of farms and olive trees and ecstatic red poppies and mustard flowers that i would snag for a spicy snack. over hill after hill and bad broken up and dirt roads. Three flat tires so far. Not so bad.
But everything clarifies when I am on the road. I am a simple being.
I have to go. More later. Photos aren't uploading properly but I will send along soon.
Thanks for reading.
-Monica
I am not very afraid but I do have a small fear nudging at my shoulder, tugging at my ear to keep me on my toes. The fear of being raped, of having my things stolen, of being killed. Killed in a useless way, killed in a moment of distraction- hit by a truck, murdered in my sleep when I camp in the middle of nowhere. Before I've gotten to create, before I've had the chance to bring back the message, to connect the dots.
but I don't really believe what I am doing is very brave.
Courage is risking everything.
Courage is when you are put down and put down and put down and you still rise up.
Courage is a tranny in a Muslim country.
Courage is when you are told a thousand times no and you still say, "Yes. I need this."
A wonderful Dutch performer gave me a book, The Soul of Money, by Lynne Twist, a fundraiser working to end world hunger. In it she relays the passionate and desperate stories of women who have had to break away from the core values and traditions of their societies to do what they believe is right.
Women from Tamil Nadu in India who decided to begin the difficult process of stopping the murder of newborn girls even though their husbands would beat them, even though girls were considered valueless and burdensome with expensive dowries.
They began a movement.
They took a stand, even while entrenched in a pit of shame and grief.
I am so lucky to take a step from a place of joy, from a community saying YES all around me. I do not take for granted that the majority of women in the world do not hear a symphony of yeses. anything but.
..................................
I wish I could tell you that I have made wonders happen in Turkey but I cannot. I tried to get to Syria through Jordan but it was impossible. Even going through Iraq seemed like the safer option at this point.
The last time I biked through Syria it was a dream, a river of kindness and home-cooked meals, lush forests and orange groves. I cannot imagine this rampant bloodshed on that land.
It sickens me that a group of people swept up with the excitement of change should have their dreams and struggled obliterated so outright. with no dignity. as if that's the way it is.
So from Jordan, I had to fly to Istanbul which disappointed me greatly and It seemed i could could not overcome that defeat. I continue to be just a little offstep, a little behind on everything. I could not establish a volunteering opportunity with an organic farm until September so I wandered around Istanbul for a few days and then biked along the coast of the Sea of Marmara and dipped slightly into the Agean.
and I feel embarassed by my lack of successful research, by the troubles and misconnections that I have had. I wish to bring only masterpieces and revelations to you but have to accept when weakness comes. But it has also been my experience that sometimes masterpieces are buried deep within the crevices of missteps.
This time has thus been very contemplative. Turkey has given me a lot to ponder. Turkey, the bridge between Europe and the Middle East, headed now by a conservative government pushing for a stronger state of Islam and yet also pushing for western capitalism. Saturated already with American chain stores, western dress, alcohol, car culture, banks, the whole mess.
And they seem to welcome it all with open arms. I cannot blame them. Every nation has the right to progress but it saddens me to see what progress is defined by.
The pollution is fierce and bicycling through it is distressing my lungs but a fellow said it is so much better now than ten years ago when they relied on coal. Now they are turning to natural gas. Great. natural gas- the green champion imposter that poisons our water supply.
The delights of Turkey are the music. Dance seems to invade everywhere- the fishermen along Galata bridge who swing their lines like a ballet, the ice cream vendors who put on a whole show as they stab the ice cream with swords and play out the delivery of it like magicians.
I bicycled along the coast and through field after field of farms and olive trees and ecstatic red poppies and mustard flowers that i would snag for a spicy snack. over hill after hill and bad broken up and dirt roads. Three flat tires so far. Not so bad.
But everything clarifies when I am on the road. I am a simple being.
I have to go. More later. Photos aren't uploading properly but I will send along soon.
Thanks for reading.
-Monica
There is no set path for what you are doing, every single minute you exist there is an achievement, there is no failure. Just keep shining on you beacon of light! I love to hear your thoughts and stories as you change the world. You are an inspiration to all!
ReplyDeleteThank you thank you for sharing, Monica. I bow down to your willingness to so frankly offer your very fresh experience with us. I relate totally to what you've said about courage. And what you wrote is so beautiful. Courage is risking everything. Yes. In the face of death and fear. Seeing the incredible courage it takes so many just to BE, I truly feel what could I possibly know about courage? I simply do what I feel is right in my core. Without fear, how could I have courage? The nagging you are feeling is that of a bodhisattva. We are not taking this path in order to liberate ourselves, it's in order to liberate all. ALL. There's no stopping until it happens or we've wrung ourselves out. Thus, we need to be in our healthiest strongest self (and alive!) in order to follow this vow.
ReplyDeleteVincent's words are very wise. Yes, every moment is the perfect one and giving you exactly what you need for the evolution of your soul/being/self (however you look at it). And this is not selfish; because with every new flash of insight or revelation you have, you become richer, more of yourself, and the more Monica we have-- the more people that will be transformed and inspired.
Please take care of yourself, your health- body, mind, and spirit. Your heart!! Whatever that takes. A meditative moment, a dance, a song, journal, communing with a bird in nature, a long embrace. Love yourself as we all love you.
Regardless of current active outward result, you are seeing things that are profoundly changing you right now- even if through disappointment and uncertainty. This is the fire that motivates us. It's okay to stoke it. Beauty and love are amazing; it is what gives us the strength to forcefully move forward. But seeing the lack, feeling the grating of this world's illusions on our truth, knowing there is a dire need for deep change-- this is why we do what we do...
Do not forget that every person you share eye contact with, a touch of the hand, every interaction you have, has the power to change a life. You've changed mine. My heart a little bigger, the fire a bit hotter.
On that note, can't wait to sit across from your beautiful open eyes in a coffee shop or an island- and again experience melting into you, sister soul.
From the path,
Gia
Im so happy you find the time to write these blog entries when you're on the road. Thank you for sharing your experience! I like what Gia wrote how every moment you look at someone, or touch someone you are changing life. It's true- it's true for everyone- and in your case you have an enormous amount of personal power that allows the change to be felt even more strongly. Being afraid of things like rape and theft, that's quite sane actually. The fact that you (knowing such risks) still went on this trip is a form of bravery. Your self awareness is refreshing too, you do come from a place of Yes, and as Gia says going to a place of No is the path of a bodhisattva. This life of yours is already a masterpiece! Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteLillian